Empty Answer

So, I read this article my Father wrote to the Sacramento Bee, and it pissed me off. Check it out:

Humanity isn't about labels
Re "Obama's the way to change," letter, Jan. 15: I would like to respond to Michelle Arashiro's comments regarding Democrats and Republicans. Being a Democrat doesn't make one a good person, and being a Republican doesn't make one a bad person.
The question she needs to ask herself is: What do I intend to do to help the poor and disadvantaged? Age and political affiliation have little to do with helping solve the issues facing the poor.
I have been self-employed most of my adult life and have spent decades teaching people to be self-sufficient and productive. As a landlord, I have spent 30 years helping people stay in their homes when they could not pay their rent during hard times.
I consider myself a Republican, but I do not think charity and humanity belong to any political party. I believe in giving a man a helping hand, not a handout. When you teach people to make a living, they become self-reliant and productive.
Being willing to give of yourself to solve social inequities does not depend on what you call yourself or what president sits in the White House.
- Loomis, sac bee 1-19-08

Sounds like a great guy, huh? Let's get to know him better...

*My Father spent his time and money drinking, whoring, and snorting. When he was at home, he spent that time beating up my Mother or us kids.

*After the divorce, he vowed to fight us until we had nothing. What kind of father wants to drain all the money from his children? We grew up with very little, and our Mother had to work 16 or more hours a day just to keep food on the table.

*He had this idea that he was going to get custody of my little brother. This was a nightmare. My poor Brother was terrified of him, as we all were. My Mother sold her house to pay for the court fees, trying to protect us from this monster.

*This guy would come home from the bars in the early morning. He would come into my room, tear me out of bed, and beat me with his belt. Why? Becasue he could not find the TV remote.

*The asshole would sometimes become so enraged, he would throw me outside on the porch NAKED in the pitch black night. He would turn off all the house lights, as he knew I was terrified of the dark. In the corner, was the dog's bed. I would curl up next to the dog and cover what I could with his blanket. After several hours, when the pig passed out, my little sister would sneak out and give me a blanket, or, if the pig was not asleep in the kitchen, would sneak me back into the house.

*One Easter, he decided to come to our house dressed as the Easter Bunny. I took my two younger siblings and we hid in the attic room the moment I saw him coming up through the gate. Our Mother called 911 and tried to keep him from breaking into the house. He was insane, screaming incoherently, pounding the walls and windows. After what seemed like hours, the cops showed up and arrested him. I learned later that his Easter Bunny fiasco was remembered for years by the entire police station.

Would you believe this is the same man? After reading his article, I was mad as hell, and found his work email on the net. Here is my question to him:

I find this letter very interesting, considering you spent years draining money from our mother. We grew up with nothing, and our college money went to defend our family against YOU. Concerning the "good person, bad person" debate, what are you doing to make right the atrocities you inflicted upon your own children? Do you even remember coming home at night so drunk you could barely stand? How about locking me outside at night NAKED becaue you could not find the tv remote? Or beating the crap out of me with your belt for no reason? You blame us not wanting to have a dialoge with you on our mother. I think you should go to a mirror and take a long hard look. You made our young lives a living hell.

The response I got was his typical crap. Deflect the blame to someone else, that's his motto. At first look, it reads like an honest apology. Read it carefully, and you will see the subtle nuances of his arrogance and guiltless mind:

(name), when I wrote that letter to the Bee, I realized you might read it and react to it. The only way you could have found it was to do a search on me. I know the article conflicts with the picture you have of me. Having said that, I always thought you were the most intelligent person I ever knew. Yes Vickie, I made many mistakes. I regret those mistakes every day of my life. I do look in the mirror and see a man who hurt the people he loved. I am profoundly sorry for that. Not a minute of my life goes by without thinking of how bad it must have been for you, (names of my siblings) and your mother. You might be surprised (or amused) to know that I suffered the same childhood as you. The memories of my childhood, reflect, in many ways, yours. Your childhood was hell (name) and I wish with every fiber of my being, it was not. When my father died, many people came to his funeral. It was amazing to me when I heard stories of how wonderful he was and how much the people of Loomis LOVED him. I wondered if we were talking about the same man. My dad tried to be a good father, but by any measurement, he failed. Ironically, I was the only person with my father when he died. Neither my mother nor father could ever tell me they loved me. In the end, they left me with nothing, but the bills to pay for their burials.

Believe me (name), I know how you feel. But, if you could try and understand one thing, not one day of my life ends where I don't think of you and how much I love you. It is a fair question for you to ask how this can happen. How can a father hurt his children so much and profess to love them? I really don't have an answer for you but I can say this, today I try to frame my life to be the best person I can. I hold you and your mother close to my heart. I realize the damage I did, but I am not that man. I could not get through a day if I were. Today, (name), I try to be the best man I can be. I rarely toss people out of my house naked and I have cut back on my whipping people with my belt, (humor aside, I am very sorry about that, you have every right to be mad.)


A single letter will not provide the answers to many of your questions, but I want to continue the dialog if that is your wish. How is (sibling's name)? I might have received a call from (other sibling), could he call again?

Thank you for writing that letter (name), it took a lot of courage for you do it. But you should be sleeping at 12:30 am.

Love you, Dad.

He does this bullshit where he tries to justify the abuse he inflicted upon me by telling how it happened to him, too. Like he wasn't responsible for his actions! Then, he goes and makes a joke about some serious issues!

If you notice at the end, he writes "love you". Never has he written "I love you". It shows me there is still no true feeling in his heart. All the years of torment, lies, craziness, and this is all he comes up with?

I don't know what I expected to read when I sent this question to him. I see that he is still the same sociopath I grew to fear as a child. I will analyze this further in my next entry.

Welcome

Welcome to my new blog dealing exclusively with child abuse. Please feel free to check out my other blog, critterrant.blogspot.com.

I will be focusing on the trauma my father inflicted upon myself and my siblings, but out of respect for my siblings, I will not go into great detail of their experiences. That is for them to deal with.

If you send me a personal story, I will post it on here so others can read your story. New post coming soon!